[He shakes his head immediately, a little bolt of guilt going through him. What happened isn't his fault, no one's ever blamed him for it -- that doesn't stop Isaac from feeling bad every time something rears up, reminds him of how hard it was on everyone else.] I wouldn't let that happen, okay? That's why they've got life jackets, so even if there is a problem, everything's fine.
[His arm tightens around Dagny's waist, pulling him in closer, hand moving to cup the back of his neck. Holding him tighter now that he's slightly more still.]
I'm not going anywhere. I promise. [It's not the first time he's said it, and it ends up sounding just as solemn every time. Technically he can't promise it, things can always happen, but he'll fight tooth and nail to keep from disappearing on him again, no matter what that means.]
[He lets out a slight sob at Isaac's promise, leaning forward to press his forehead to his husband's. Even though they are super close now, Dagny is reluctant to close his eyes all the way, just staring down at their bodies, like he's making sure Isaac doesn't disappear.
The hand that isn't gripping Isaac's shirt moves to his waist, holding him tighter.] You can't. You can't go anywhere.
[It's not really fair but it's the selfish part of Dagny that would rather hold onto Isaac forever than ever let him disappear like that again. It's not like Isaac tried to leave, and it was more horrible for him than anyone left behind, but he still can't go through it again, not when it nearly killed him the first time.]
I won't. [It's an immediate answer, absolutely no hesitation. He presses a kiss against Dagny's cheek, hand moving gently against his side.] Nothing is going to take me away from you, not again.
[He's slightly choked up, doing his best to push it down. If there was any way to undo it, go back and stop Dagny from having to go through all that, he would do it in a heartbeat, but all he can do is promise.]
[If he was capable of thinking about anything other than the fear of losing Isaac again, he would realize how cruel it is to make Isaac comfort him when Isaac also lost Dagny, and his sister, and the world. It wasn't only Dagny who was without his soulmate but Isaac too and there have been plenty of times that Dagny has been on this end, comforting Isaac through the worst of his fear and paranoia, but he still feels horrible whenever that anxiety wins out, when he can't quite shake the memory of how horrible that time was.
He nods his head against Isaac's, taking a few gasping breaths as his hand splays out across Isaac's chest, feeling for that slower than normal heartbeat that he's come to recognize, something that took a bit of time when he was used to listening to Isaac's normal heartbeat in the past. (Now he's just happy to have any reminder that it's beating at all.)] I love you, I love you so much. I'm sorry.
[He isn't really sure what he is apologizing for, the freakout, the fact that he can't live without Isaac and it shows, the fact that Isaac was lost at all or that Dagny is making him deal with this when Isaac is still recovering. Maybe all of it.]
[It doesn't really matter what he's apologizing for, Isaac doesn't really think he has anything to feel bad about. It was rough on both of them. It's still rough, even if it doesn't usually get as bad as it did at first. He'd never hold it against Dagny when he gets upset over it. Being alone, having to think he was gone and then not knowing what happened at all -- if it came down to it, Isaac's not sure he'd rather have been on that side, as bad as everything was for him.
Anyway, he's not much better at living without Dagny, either. There's a reason he basically hasn't spent a full day away from him since they got him back.]
I love you. More than anything, always. It's okay. I've got you, I'm right here.
I thought I lost you...[It's a little weaker when he says it this time, reiterating his original fear before moving to press his face into Isaac's neck, both of his arms going around his waist to hold him closely. It's not a fear that gets this bad all that often, they are together so frequently now it isn't something he has to worry about and even though Isaac still occasionally forgets his phone when he goes out, he's usually good about leaving a note or something so that Dagny knows where he has gone.
They've learned to deal with the little intricacies that come with a situation like theirs. It's perhaps why it's hitting him so hard now, shame that he still lets it affect him, mixing with the fear to just feed into his anxiety. Isaac's comforting words and promises help, almost as much as being able to physically hold him and press himself close. He's usually able to settle himself as long as Isaac is there, this time just takes him a little longer than normal.]
I know. [Softly. He wants to apologize, but he doubts that'll actually do anything to help; it's more likely to just make Dagny feel worse. Anyway, neither of them have actually done anything wrong. It's just unfortunate circumstances, lingering fears that will hopefully fade a little more when time goes on.
He cradles Dagny close, ready to stand there and hold on to him tightly as long as he needs it to feel a little more steady. Thumb running gently back and forth against his neck and shoulder, his other hand holding tight to his shirt, just little bits of pressure, signs of presence. The words taper off after a few more moments, fades into a quiet humming, little snatches of melody, just trying to offer some comfort, something else to focus on.]
[It's hard to stay anxious when the most comfortable place in the world is in Isaac's arms. Eventually he begins to settle, his body relaxing against his husband, the melody helps, he loves Isaac's voice, whether he's just talking to him or it's one of the few times he gets to hear him humming. When Isaac went missing, he used to listen to old voicemails over and over again just to hear him talking. It's been especially beautiful to see Isaac find his voice again through his recovery, for him to slowly get out of his head and start speaking more and more. It reminds him that Isaac is still here, still strong, still fighting, it means that Dagny should do the same.
Once he's settled a bit more, he moves his head, instead of keeping it pushed into Isaac's neck, he moves it to his shoulder, keeping it less hidden, opening up a bit more.] I'm sorry.
[It's not so much an apology for freaking out but just for all of it. Neither of them should have had to go through that, Imogene either. He's just sorry for them all.]
[He nuzzles a kiss against Dagny's temple, into his hair, reassuring. Still holding him just as tight, even though he's relaxed a little in relief. It's not like he needs a reason to refuse to let go of his husband, and right now there's pretty much no power on earth that could pull him away.]
I love you. [It's not a fix for any of it, as much as he wishes it could be, but it's what he has. A lot of love and a lot of determination that nothing like that is going to happen again.]
[He presses a kiss to Isaac's shoulder, returning the favor, offering comfort of his own, not moving much further than that. He knows he didn't do anything but it still feels worth saying. He would have done anything to keep Isaac safe, to find him sooner, to stop making it a big deal. Isaac is back, he shouldn't be having these reactions anymore.]
I didn't want to ruin the trip. [Or his birthday, though he supposes that Isaac doesn't pay as much attention to that.]
[He shakes his head, squeezing Dagny's shoulder gently.] It's not ruined. Just going a little different for now.
[Even if it was, the last thing he'd want is for Dagny to sit there and try to hide everything, have to push through it alone. If something goes wrong, Isaac wants to know; it's the only way he can try to make things better. Even if that just means holding on to him and letting the anxiety run its course.]
Alright. [He nods, still slightly reluctant to pull back even if they are just changing locations instead of separating entirely, it takes him just another moment of holding on before he pulls back enough for them to walk, taking Isaac's hand instead.
For someone who is often lead by his emotions, he tries not to give into the negative that often. He can't help it when he gets scared or anxious but for the most part he's able to put that aside, or at least find an outlet for it, he's done a lot of work to try to be more positive, he's lucky to be alive, he tries to just enjoy it. Instead it just ends up making the times when he does have anxiety more difficult, the shame heavy once he comes down from his panic.]
[He doesn't go far, walking as close as he can without tripping them both up. It's hard to let go, but it seems worth it once he tugs Dagny down onto the couch with him, sitting sideways so he can pull his husband into him, wrapping around him as much as it's physically possible to do. The touch is always a comfort; he doesn't know a better way to help.
His hand settles against Dagny's back, drifting back and forth gently, pressing another kiss into his hair once they're settled.] Good? [The position, not everything; it'd be nice if it was all that easy, but he knows it rarely is.]
[He lets Isaac pull him along, falling into his arms once they get to the couch, wrapping his own arms around his husband again, getting as close as he possibly can.]
Yeah, better. [Much better than when they were standing, he already feels himself melting even further, relaxing into the embrace, grateful that Isaac understands him enough to know what he needs, and is content to just sit here with him.]
Guess I should have expected it to happen at some point. [The embarrassment and resignation thick in his voice. He supposes there is bound to be some anxiety when he chose to camp on a freaking lake.]
Maybe. [It's neutral, non-judgemental, and he shrugs a shoulder slightly.] But it was worth trying.
[And for the most part, it's worked out, anyway. He'd honestly been worried this was going to come a lot earlier. At least Dagny didn't push himself too far, didn't force himself out to try to deal with it directly and make everything that much worse.]
Are they still out there? [The other two, still on the water, something he's trying his best not to think about, even though his body stiffens slightly after he asks it. He knows they are both fully capable of swimming and they are smart but he can't help thinking about if something happens or they get hurt.
He takes a deep breath, trying to stop those thoughts before they go too far, there is no point in working himself up again. They'll be fine, he just has to wait until they get back and everything will be okay.]
Yeah. [He squeezes him gently as he answers, almost apologetic. He knows everything will be fine -- it's a calm day, Imogene's a strong swimmer, and even if Sasha needs help, the two of them will manage. He just also knows that doesn't make a difference to the anxiety, either.] We could call them if you want.
[There's a good chance they'll turn around and come back if they know Dagny's freaking out, but even if they don't mention it, maybe it'll help a little.]
No, I don't want -- [To distract them, to let them know what's going on, to disappoint anyone.] No, it's okay.
[If Isaac isn't freaking out about it then he should have no reason to freak out either. Isaac is the last person who would let his sister do something reckless, if there was any threat to her safety, Isaac would have stopped it earlier. Even if Dagny can't trust himself right now, he can always trust Isaac.] I'm sure they'll be back soon.
[He'll keep it on the back burner, if things keep getting worse, see if he can send off a quiet text -- not something that's easy to do when they're wrapped around each other, but he can give it a shot. But right now he'll listen, just curling around Dagny a little more, arms and legs surrounding him, keeping him close. Not caged, but secured.]
I've got you. [A little reminder. He kisses at Dagny's temple, the urge to shower him with affection always too strong to resist when things go south like this.]
[The tight embrace is definitely more helpful than it is hurtful, he knows that if he ever tried to get out of it, Isaac wouldn't hold him down, would release him in an instant, so he doesn't mind being held a little more closely. It feels safe. It feels nice.]
I know. [He nuzzles into Isaac's shoulder, indulging in whatever affection he's given, all too happy to let Isaac take over for the moment, letting him be the strong one, the one who is reassuring and confident. They are good at trading off, able to take over when the other is having a weak moment.] ...thanks. [It goes without saying but he's grateful either way.]
Anytime. [Soft and genuine. He doesn't care how many times it happens, he'll be here every time Dagny needs him. God knows Dagny's done it for him, again and again, seen him through the absolute worst and never wavered.
There's still a lot of things Isaac has doubts about, including himself, sometimes even whether he's earned that much devotion. But Dagny isn't one of those things.
He falls quiet again for a little bit, humming softly, just curled up around his husband, touching him non-stop. Rubbing his back, stroking his hair, his hand drifting up and down Dagny's arm, all a steady pressure, comforting little gestures to try and help the rest of the anxiety to drain.]
[He lets himself drift slightly, not focusing on much except the comfort Isaac is providing, all those soft touches and the low humming, he closes his eyes, his own hand drifting up and down Isaac's side, just another way to ground himself. Everything is calm, everyone is safe, everything is fine.
He's not sure what he's done in life to deserve this, thinks that as far as soulmates go, he must have won the lottery. It almost feels like him and Isaac exist on another level. Everyone has a soulmate but not everyone's soulmate is like this.
It's clear he's settled more when he starts shifting slightly, pressing up into Isaac's touches or wiggling when the hand moving up and down his arm tickles slightly. It's still another moment before he actually breaks the silence.]
Is there a word for someone who is like a soulmate, but more?
[The touches slow slightly when Dagny starts moving more, but they don't stop until he speaks, the humming tapering off as he settles his arms around him.]
I think that soulmate's supposed to be the more. [He says it with a slight smile, resting his cheek against the top of Dagny's head.]
Sure. But I feel like there are soulmates and then there are soulmates. [He puts more emphasis on the second one, like that explains anything, his hand still moving up and down Isaac's side.]
[It probably shouldn't make sense, but he gets it. The way they are with each other -- it goes past any description of soulmates Isaac's heard before. In good ways, but also ones that could probably be considered bad. Sometimes it feels like any time apart is ages. Not that he'd trade it for anything else, anyone else.]
I don't know. Probably not. [He turns to press a kiss into Dagny's hair, nuzzling into him.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[His arm tightens around Dagny's waist, pulling him in closer, hand moving to cup the back of his neck. Holding him tighter now that he's slightly more still.]
I'm not going anywhere. I promise. [It's not the first time he's said it, and it ends up sounding just as solemn every time. Technically he can't promise it, things can always happen, but he'll fight tooth and nail to keep from disappearing on him again, no matter what that means.]
no subject
The hand that isn't gripping Isaac's shirt moves to his waist, holding him tighter.] You can't. You can't go anywhere.
[It's not really fair but it's the selfish part of Dagny that would rather hold onto Isaac forever than ever let him disappear like that again. It's not like Isaac tried to leave, and it was more horrible for him than anyone left behind, but he still can't go through it again, not when it nearly killed him the first time.]
no subject
[He's slightly choked up, doing his best to push it down. If there was any way to undo it, go back and stop Dagny from having to go through all that, he would do it in a heartbeat, but all he can do is promise.]
no subject
He nods his head against Isaac's, taking a few gasping breaths as his hand splays out across Isaac's chest, feeling for that slower than normal heartbeat that he's come to recognize, something that took a bit of time when he was used to listening to Isaac's normal heartbeat in the past. (Now he's just happy to have any reminder that it's beating at all.)] I love you, I love you so much. I'm sorry.
[He isn't really sure what he is apologizing for, the freakout, the fact that he can't live without Isaac and it shows, the fact that Isaac was lost at all or that Dagny is making him deal with this when Isaac is still recovering. Maybe all of it.]
no subject
[It doesn't really matter what he's apologizing for, Isaac doesn't really think he has anything to feel bad about. It was rough on both of them. It's still rough, even if it doesn't usually get as bad as it did at first. He'd never hold it against Dagny when he gets upset over it. Being alone, having to think he was gone and then not knowing what happened at all -- if it came down to it, Isaac's not sure he'd rather have been on that side, as bad as everything was for him.
Anyway, he's not much better at living without Dagny, either. There's a reason he basically hasn't spent a full day away from him since they got him back.]
I love you. More than anything, always. It's okay. I've got you, I'm right here.
no subject
They've learned to deal with the little intricacies that come with a situation like theirs. It's perhaps why it's hitting him so hard now, shame that he still lets it affect him, mixing with the fear to just feed into his anxiety. Isaac's comforting words and promises help, almost as much as being able to physically hold him and press himself close. He's usually able to settle himself as long as Isaac is there, this time just takes him a little longer than normal.]
no subject
He cradles Dagny close, ready to stand there and hold on to him tightly as long as he needs it to feel a little more steady. Thumb running gently back and forth against his neck and shoulder, his other hand holding tight to his shirt, just little bits of pressure, signs of presence. The words taper off after a few more moments, fades into a quiet humming, little snatches of melody, just trying to offer some comfort, something else to focus on.]
no subject
Once he's settled a bit more, he moves his head, instead of keeping it pushed into Isaac's neck, he moves it to his shoulder, keeping it less hidden, opening up a bit more.] I'm sorry.
[It's not so much an apology for freaking out but just for all of it. Neither of them should have had to go through that, Imogene either. He's just sorry for them all.]
no subject
[He nuzzles a kiss against Dagny's temple, into his hair, reassuring. Still holding him just as tight, even though he's relaxed a little in relief. It's not like he needs a reason to refuse to let go of his husband, and right now there's pretty much no power on earth that could pull him away.]
I love you. [It's not a fix for any of it, as much as he wishes it could be, but it's what he has. A lot of love and a lot of determination that nothing like that is going to happen again.]
no subject
I didn't want to ruin the trip. [Or his birthday, though he supposes that Isaac doesn't pay as much attention to that.]
no subject
[Even if it was, the last thing he'd want is for Dagny to sit there and try to hide everything, have to push through it alone. If something goes wrong, Isaac wants to know; it's the only way he can try to make things better. Even if that just means holding on to him and letting the anxiety run its course.]
Come sit down with me for a while.
no subject
For someone who is often lead by his emotions, he tries not to give into the negative that often. He can't help it when he gets scared or anxious but for the most part he's able to put that aside, or at least find an outlet for it, he's done a lot of work to try to be more positive, he's lucky to be alive, he tries to just enjoy it. Instead it just ends up making the times when he does have anxiety more difficult, the shame heavy once he comes down from his panic.]
no subject
His hand settles against Dagny's back, drifting back and forth gently, pressing another kiss into his hair once they're settled.] Good? [The position, not everything; it'd be nice if it was all that easy, but he knows it rarely is.]
no subject
Yeah, better. [Much better than when they were standing, he already feels himself melting even further, relaxing into the embrace, grateful that Isaac understands him enough to know what he needs, and is content to just sit here with him.]
Guess I should have expected it to happen at some point. [The embarrassment and resignation thick in his voice. He supposes there is bound to be some anxiety when he chose to camp on a freaking lake.]
no subject
[And for the most part, it's worked out, anyway. He'd honestly been worried this was going to come a lot earlier. At least Dagny didn't push himself too far, didn't force himself out to try to deal with it directly and make everything that much worse.]
no subject
He takes a deep breath, trying to stop those thoughts before they go too far, there is no point in working himself up again. They'll be fine, he just has to wait until they get back and everything will be okay.]
no subject
[There's a good chance they'll turn around and come back if they know Dagny's freaking out, but even if they don't mention it, maybe it'll help a little.]
no subject
[If Isaac isn't freaking out about it then he should have no reason to freak out either. Isaac is the last person who would let his sister do something reckless, if there was any threat to her safety, Isaac would have stopped it earlier. Even if Dagny can't trust himself right now, he can always trust Isaac.] I'm sure they'll be back soon.
no subject
[He'll keep it on the back burner, if things keep getting worse, see if he can send off a quiet text -- not something that's easy to do when they're wrapped around each other, but he can give it a shot. But right now he'll listen, just curling around Dagny a little more, arms and legs surrounding him, keeping him close. Not caged, but secured.]
I've got you. [A little reminder. He kisses at Dagny's temple, the urge to shower him with affection always too strong to resist when things go south like this.]
no subject
I know. [He nuzzles into Isaac's shoulder, indulging in whatever affection he's given, all too happy to let Isaac take over for the moment, letting him be the strong one, the one who is reassuring and confident. They are good at trading off, able to take over when the other is having a weak moment.] ...thanks. [It goes without saying but he's grateful either way.]
no subject
There's still a lot of things Isaac has doubts about, including himself, sometimes even whether he's earned that much devotion. But Dagny isn't one of those things.
He falls quiet again for a little bit, humming softly, just curled up around his husband, touching him non-stop. Rubbing his back, stroking his hair, his hand drifting up and down Dagny's arm, all a steady pressure, comforting little gestures to try and help the rest of the anxiety to drain.]
no subject
He's not sure what he's done in life to deserve this, thinks that as far as soulmates go, he must have won the lottery. It almost feels like him and Isaac exist on another level. Everyone has a soulmate but not everyone's soulmate is like this.
It's clear he's settled more when he starts shifting slightly, pressing up into Isaac's touches or wiggling when the hand moving up and down his arm tickles slightly. It's still another moment before he actually breaks the silence.]
Is there a word for someone who is like a soulmate, but more?
no subject
I think that soulmate's supposed to be the more. [He says it with a slight smile, resting his cheek against the top of Dagny's head.]
no subject
It's different. Not all of them are the same.
no subject
[It probably shouldn't make sense, but he gets it. The way they are with each other -- it goes past any description of soulmates Isaac's heard before. In good ways, but also ones that could probably be considered bad. Sometimes it feels like any time apart is ages. Not that he'd trade it for anything else, anyone else.]
I don't know. Probably not. [He turns to press a kiss into Dagny's hair, nuzzling into him.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)